I think the Lord is teaching me to slow down… I think I broke my toe this morning as I rushed to get things ready for Glory’s picnic. So as I sit here in the hospital waiting to be seen by the doc, here is my heart…
We are at the crux of adoption paperwork; we just received 800 approval and now the documents go to the final step in the U.S. before being sent off to the U.S. Consulate in China. We are praying this final step goes quickly so that we can travel and be back from China before Ruthie begins a new school year. But all in God’s timing.. We’ll pray and see.
Glory’s benefit picnic is this weekend and have been running around getting things ready. Getting ready to move (next week!). Husband may be starting a new job, and I’m trucking away at mine with the little time afforded. And all the while trying to parent Ruthie in the best way I know and help her through this season of transition. Things have been chaotic but even in that, God is in control and He is faithful.
The other day while we were in Speech, Ruthie forgot how to rote count 1-3. When we got back in the car, I asked her to count and she could not, even though a few weeks ago she could count to 10! I coaxed her and encouraged her, but nothing could jog her memory.. And instead of letting it go, I snapped at Ruthie for not remembering and I cried. I cried.. A lot.
This was not a proud mommy moment, but I’m just being real here. Mommyhood isn’t always the bright, smiley faces you see as our profile pictures or the cute moments captured on Instagram. Something big stirred up in my heart – worry about her future, fears of the severitył of her delays.. I was shaking inside. Raising a child, any child, is hard. My expectations are high because I believe in Ruthie, but then I realized that Ruthie is still a child who was adopted from China not even a year ago, one who has Downs and with that comes delays.. As I cried and prayed aloud, that is what God spoke to my heart. My purpose as her mom is not to teach her to count, my purpose is to love her, and raise her to know that God loves her.
As I looked back in the rear view mirror, I saw Ruthie’s downcast face and it really broke me. I would love to say the story ended with my hugging her and telling her she was awesome, but truth be told, that didn’t happen till much later when my spirit calmed. I turned on some songs from VBS and her demeanor perked up as she sang along to the familiar tunes. And there I realized, what a true (huge) blessing Ruthie is in my life.. That even when I’m overbearing and mean, she is so quick to forgive and brings an instant joy that melts the hardest of hearts. My heart and head hurts when I think of my bad parenting moments … but my thankfulness for God choosing us to be her parents will never cease.
I will be the first to admit that I am a broken person. Yes, saved by grace but still utterly broken without Him. There is truly nothing good in me apart from Him. There is no handbook on how to be a good mom.. But there is the Holy Spirit who guides us and teaches us. When I came to God and to Ruthie to ask for forgiveness, it is so freely given and it makes me feel so unworthy of it all. What is this grace, that we might have life? It doesn’t make sense, I don’t deserve it… But I’m so so thankful and though my flesh fails me again and again, I won’t give up living my life for His glory.
Thankful to a God who covers our sin, instead of exposing it. Thankful to our Daddy who loves us, even when we make mistakes. Thankful for Our Father, who sent his only Son to die for us so that we would be blameless before Him and live in eternity with Him. Thankful for our Abba Father.
.. what are mere mortals that you should think about them, human beings that you should care for them? …
O LORD, our Lord, your majestic name fills the earth!